So, this leads me to a confession… When I discovered Y (the Other Woman) at X’s new living-the-single-life digs one morning, not long after he left me, I gave her my finest left hook and knocked her to the ground.
Time seemed to stand still for a few seconds, as I distinctly remember thinking that I had to avoid hitting her glasses before I gave her an upper cut to the cheek. And just to give to the whole ugly scenario an authentic white-trash vibe, my baby was sitting on my right hip.
I’m not going to lie – it felt profoundly satisfying at the time, and it was somewhat of a relief to literally come face to face with the truth after enduring months of X’s deception. But over the years that punch hasn’t served me well, and it still keeps coming back to haunt me – proving that no good can come of a violent act.
Aside from the obvious – I could have caused injury and been facing an
assault charge – it gave X and Y all the fuel they needed to regularly play the
“crazy” card. I was instantly labelled “profoundly violent” and this has
resulted in me having zero contact with Y for the past eight years (apart from
a couple of emails, the last sent in 2009).
In all this time I haven’t even as much as glimpsed her. Whenever I’m dropping my sons to spend the weekend with X, I have to send him a text in advance of our arrival, presumably so Y can make a hasty exit. She never answers the phone and we have never communicated regarding the boys, except for the time she gave my eldest son a haircut (oh yes she did!).
In all this time I haven’t even as much as glimpsed her. Whenever I’m dropping my sons to spend the weekend with X, I have to send him a text in advance of our arrival, presumably so Y can make a hasty exit. She never answers the phone and we have never communicated regarding the boys, except for the time she gave my eldest son a haircut (oh yes she did!).
It's a pretty ludicrous situation. Over the years I've attempted to change it by suggesting to X that we all meet and put our ancient history behind us, but the mere suggestion seems to send us all spinning out of control and generate unnecessary drama that we're all forced to feed off for a few days.
Source unknown.
I’m typically told that my attempts to extend the proverbial olive branch are not genuine and – being my hot-headed self – I react negatively (I’ve penned some pretty heated missives that have probably enhanced my crazy-woman status). And so the avoidance goes on and we never get any closer to resolution or peace, or anything remotely healthy or grown-up.
I’m left feeling frustrated and defeated, and I’m sure X must feel exactly the same. We just can't seem to get beyond this point. Even our sons think it’s pretty ridiculous after all this time – us so-called adults are hardly setting a good example of how to make amends and move forth with dignity.
Regrettably, I really think a large portion of the whole mess can be traced directly back to THE PUNCH. And while I can’t take it back, I can say that it hasn’t been worth the trouble. I can also take responsibility and make one last (and cross-my-heart genuine) attempt to make the situation more tenable for everyone.
In the meantime, all good advice is welcome.
That's a full-blooded mea culpa, Lisa. Trust is, regrettably, the first casualty of violence whether physical or emotional. Aversion is, as you have observed here, the easiest response. But you have expressed a beautiful and clear intention here. The timing of any resolution is not in your control. Clearly, you yearn for it as much in a practical sense as anything. I totally get it. I am forever cut-off from a resolution of my particular emotional circumstances. It burns, it hurts, it disappoints and truly I grieve and feel a sense of loss every day. It's debilitating. I can't move in from it. Unforgiven, to quote Clint Eastwood, with no prospect of resolution. So I do know what you are going through from that perspective and it is on this basis that I presume to comment here. The yoga advice is: extend the exhale. Direct your mind towards any and all directions of interest. If you can't change it, you have to keep letting it go. Not easy. Big hug. Thanks for sharing. Rob x
ReplyDeleteIn grammar, you have the perfect and imperfect past tense. An imperfect action chains us to that moment in the past when we did it and continues to generate negativity for us. On the other hand, perfect actions are completed and don't have that residue. We don't have to re-live them or keep returning to them. We are free to be in the present moment. I hope those chains are struck from your heart sooner rather than later, dear Lisa! X
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