Not so fast, Missus!

Last week I was at Coles having a chat to a lovely (married) woman I’ve met a few times about small-town living, local schools and single parenting. It was pretty general stuff, but after a while she looked right at me and declared: “I could never be a single mother!”

It clearly wasn’t said out of malice and I didn’t feel the need react on the spot, but it stuck with me. 

I guess the obvious thing to have pointed out would be that no young girl in the history of the world has ever looked to the sky, fixed her gaze on the brightest star and shouted out into the cosmos: ‘WHEN I GROW UP, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER!” 

Given a second chance to respond, I might just be compelled to do something completely out of character, like put on my finest David-Duchovny-as-Hank-Moody-in-Californication voice and say something along the lines of: “Hey, Sister, don’t be so ignorant – my terrible affliction could befall you, too.” 

After all, becoming a single parent wasn’t my choice – following a very long, stable, productive and mostly happy relationship, my ex-husband had a complete change of heart and left me in order to pursue another woman. From one day to the next my safe and fairly predictable home life was turned on its head.

Despite the heartbreak and chaos that ensued, I discovered quite quickly that I could definitely and unequivocally BE A SINGLE MOTHER. In fact, one of the greatest benefits of X’s actions was the very comforting realisation that I had the ability to fend for myself and my boys. 

Among other talents, I can generate income, pay my bills and single-handedly maintain a happy and well-fed household. I've got a fantastic support network, have developed excellent negotiation skills, know exactly what I can rely on X for when it comes to our children and – as a welcome aside – I have very little fear around abandonment or relationships not working out.

So, in the interest of bestowing greater consciousness on all the married-with-children women who are as uneducated as I once was about the delicate art of single parenting, I’m going to ask that you put yourself in my well-worn, single-mother shoes for a moment and ask yourself what your life would look like if your husband suddenly departed.

For instance:

• Could you financially support yourself and your children?

• Do you have your own bank account and/or shared control over the family finances?

• Could you afford to live where you’re living now?

• Do you now what your legal rights are regarding shared parenting and property settlement?

• Do you know who you can absolutely call on in times of crisis?

• Is your relationship with your parents-in-law solid enough to survive divorce?

• Do you have some idea of how your husband would treat you and your children if he were to fall in love with someone else?

• How would you feel about another woman co-parenting your children?
• How would you cope with any gossip and innuendo?
• Does the mere thought of online dating make you break out in a cold sweat? 
• Do you have the name of a good counsellor handy?

It really is worth giving these things some thought, because ignorance is not always blissful. 

And please don’t ever say to me that you could never be a single mother. If I can do it, you most certainly can.